Microsoft God


Microsoft(tm) Corporation today announced its intent to purchase,
copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named,
predictably enough, Microsoft God," and would be available to
consumers sometime in late 1998. Too many people feel separated from
God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's
new Religions division. "Microsoft God will make our Lord more
accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him,
making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with."

The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a
multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:

Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper
accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from
competing products like Buddha or Allah.

Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with
Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the
World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces
several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer
Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms
Server.

Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product
will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time.
A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer
to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new
types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.

Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their
sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product
will erase itself from the user's system and establish a clear line of
secure communications to the user's Microsoft God server.

Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary
products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality
of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customized user
interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects,
allowing worshippers to interact with the new God product in much the same
way as the previous version. This line is expected to include Microsoft
Christianity, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with
Microsoft Savior), etc.

Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to
release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt to
render Microsoft God installations inoperable.