HICKPHONICS

The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland is about to cash in with
"Ebonics," has decided to pursue some of that endless taxpayer money pipeline
through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a
language to be taught in all Southern schools.  A speaker of this would be
a Hickophone.

Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

 HEIDI - noun.  Greeting.

 HIRE YEW - Complete sentence.  Remainder of greeting.
                        Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

 BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
                Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

 JAWJUH - noun. A state just north of Florida.  Capital is Lanner.
                     Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

 BAMMER - noun. The state just west of Jawjuh.  Capital is Berminhayum.
                     Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left
                    $20,000,000 in improvements."

 MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
                  Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and
                  I ain't herd from him in munts."

 THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process.
                  Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

 BARE - noun.  An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
               Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

 IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
                    Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

 RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
                  Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup
                  truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

 ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
            Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
            pickup truck."

 FAR - noun. A conflagration.
            Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all
            in my  pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

 BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
               Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words
               and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

 TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
            Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh
            don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

 TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
             Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't
             rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel
             Tire in Paris sometime."

 RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
                     Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

 TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
                     Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms
                     are tarred."

 FAT - noun, verb.  1. a battle or combat.  2. to engage in battle or
            combat.
            Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'all."

 RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
              Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

 FARN - adjective. Not local.
               Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from
               some farn country."

 DID - adjective. Not alive.
           Usage: "He's did, Jim."

 EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
             Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ear!"

 BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
                       Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

 JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction.
                         Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with
                         that bob war fence cump'ny?"

 HAZE - a contraction.
               Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert. He ain't
               thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."

 SEED - verb, past tense.

 VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
              Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

 HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
                            Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?  Go bah me that Linnerd
                            Skinnerd tape"

 GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution.
                    Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."