Toasters


If IBM made toasters:
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for
five, maybe six toasters. The catchy ad campaign would be entitled
"Toasters for a small Planet" - a discussion with you and your dentist
about IBM's incredible success in integrating toasters for the worldwide
Olympic Games.

If Microsoft made toasters:
Everytime you bought a loaf of bread you would have to buy a toaster.
You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'll still have to pay for it
anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced
steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up
95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that
lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would
secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them.
Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them
since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters:
It would do everything a Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier, and
inexplicably never become a major market contender.

If Xerox made toasters:
You could toast one-sided or two-sided.  Successive slices would get
lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters:
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it, and
you'd have to buy 4 or 5 before finding one that works right out of the
box. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Oracle made toasters:
They would claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and
styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine
was still in development, the Croissant extension was three years away,
and that indeed the whole appliance was good at blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters:
The toast would burn often, but you'd get a really good cup of Java.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters:
They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives
you regular bread.

If TRW Corporation made toasters:
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube.  Every
morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it.  Their service
department would have an unlisted telephone number, and the blueprints for
the box would be highly classified Government documents.  The X-Files
would have an episode about it.

If Sony made toasters:
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single slice of
bread it is meant to toast can be conveniently attached to your belt, but
you need to buy a model for every variety of bread you need to toast.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters:
Every month you would receive another lovely hand crafted piece of
your authentic Civil War pewter toaster.