Translation Tragedies

 Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand.
 PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM

 Hotel brochure, Italy.
 THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT,   CROWDS  FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

 Hotel lobby, Bucharest
 THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET  THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

 In a Leipzig elevator
 DO NOT ENTER THE LIFT BACKWARDS, AND ONLY WHEN LIT UP.

 Hotel elevator, Paris
 PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

 Hotel, Yugoslavia.
 THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
 CHAMBERMAID.

 Hotel, Japan.
 YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

 In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
 monastery.
 YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET   COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

 Hotel catering to skiers, Austria.
 NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS  OF ASCENSION.

 Taken from a menu, Poland.
 SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN  THE  FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN UP  IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.

 Supermarket, Hong Kong.
 FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

 Dry cleaner's, Bangkok.
 DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

 Outside a dress shop, Paris.
 DRESSES FOR STREET WALKING.

 Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong.
 LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.

 Tailor shop, Rhodes.
 ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE
 CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.

 From the "Soviet Weekly"
 THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC  PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

 In an East African newspaper.
 A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE  THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

 Hotel, Vienna
 IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

 A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest.
 IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE  OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE  TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 Hotel, Zurich.
 BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX  IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist.
 TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

 From a Russian book on Chess.
 A LOT OF WATER HAS BEEN PASSED UNDER THE BRIDGE SINCE THIS VARIATION  HAS BEEN PLAYED.

 A laundry in Rome.
 LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD  TIME.

 Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia.
 TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

 Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand.
 WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

 In the window on a Swedish furrier.
 FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.

 The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong.
 GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

 Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan.
 STOP. DRIVE SIDEWAYS.

 In a Swiss mountain inn.
 SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

 Airline ticket office, Copenhagen.
 WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

 On the door of a Moscow hotel room.
 IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

 Cocktail lounge, Norway.
 LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

 At a Budapest zoo.
 PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT  TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

 Doctors office, Rome.
 SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

 Hotel, Acapulco.
 THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

 In a Tokyo shop.
 OUR NYLONS COST MORE THAN COMMON, BUT YOU'LL FIND THEY ARE THE BEST IN  THE LONG RUN.

 Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan.
 COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR  ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

 Car rental brochure, Tokyo.
 WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM  MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN  TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR.

 Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance.
 ENGLISH WELL TALKING  HERE SPEECHING AMERICAN